I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
