everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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