Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
