I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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