yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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