Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
