I think I died a long time ago.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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