She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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