When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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