anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
