toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
