i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
