it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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