it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
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well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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