i just made my gag reflex go away.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
