I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
