I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
