I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.