I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
