I never want to see another naked old woman again.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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