the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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