Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
