im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
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I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
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using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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