That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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