I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
