I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
