Who wears a wallet chain?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
