just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
