1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
