If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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