Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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