It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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