I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
