So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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