I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
