my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How naked do you want me to be?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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