I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
