Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
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and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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