if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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