She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
