There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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