I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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