After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
