shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
