I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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