if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
