I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
