Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
