So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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