you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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