I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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