Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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