addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
