so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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